maternity: j+d
13 years ago
Monday, July 26, 2010
Our Meal in Photos
Given our recent bounty of fresh basil we've been making pesto more often. I was having fun with the camera while cooking and here's how it went:
Big Box Small Brains
The live in and I started our post-college years in retail, and still today find ourselves working in some form of retail. As we see it this gives us full license to be thoroughly unimpressed by today’s customer service standards. This weekend we added another name to our list of companies that we will one day destroy if either of us were to find ourselves sitting in a seat of global power. HOME we might as well be flicking dog poop at our customers DEPOT.
If you find yourself with no choice but to visit this big box small brains retailer here are my tips for survival:
1. It’s important that you understand the rigorous training these employees have been through. Shock collar treatment. If you are in aisle 4 and need help in aisle 5, they physically cannot cross that invisible line. Don’t even ask.
2. Always carry a tape measure on your waist, especially the ladies. Street cred is very important here. If you roll in without a tape measure you will never been taken seriously, thus you will never be helped.
3. If you need an item, but don’t see the quantity you need on the shelves never ask if there is any more in the back. Sure their computer system says they have 16 on hand and there are only 2 on the shelves, but since there is absolutely no chance they’d have them in back stock - don’t even ask this very stupid question. It will only produce a lecture on how sometimes the computer system can inaccurately reflect their inventory. And if you do get this lecture be grateful for the education, because retail is such an obscure and hard to get profession there are few people in America who actually understand the basic principal of on-hand inventory.
4. Never, and this is the most important tip, ever go to the HOME it’s 2010 and we’re still sexist DEPOT for an item that will eventually be used for a purpose in which it wasn’t originally intended for. In addition to the training I mentioned in tip #1, their associates also go through extensive anti-MacGyver training. He’s their anti-Christ. Their Sadam. Their Jacob (go Team Edward). If you find yourself with no alternative but to go, at the very least refrain from sharing your true intended purpose for the supply. This share will only generate a “we have nothing like that here” reply. Doesn’t matter how many associated you may ask, their anti-MacGyver training will always kick in.
5. When exiting the HOME mother loving DEPOT and the manager asks if you found everything you needed, simply lie and give a ‘yes’ answer. Answering ‘no’ will only produce another lecture on point #3*. This lecture, however, will be much shorter as their managers don’t receive shock collar training. They will run like the wind to the point furthest from yours.
Conversely, we are adding Ace Hardware to our list of companies that we will one day acquire and then give major raises and Mini Coopers to all of their employees. They truly are the helpful place...
*To my credit, I did refrain from accusing Bob The Builder of internal theft. A variance of 14 pieces might throw up a red flag to me, but apparently this $2.7 billion dollar company just has a really crappy computer system.
If you find yourself with no choice but to visit this big box small brains retailer here are my tips for survival:
1. It’s important that you understand the rigorous training these employees have been through. Shock collar treatment. If you are in aisle 4 and need help in aisle 5, they physically cannot cross that invisible line. Don’t even ask.
2. Always carry a tape measure on your waist, especially the ladies. Street cred is very important here. If you roll in without a tape measure you will never been taken seriously, thus you will never be helped.
3. If you need an item, but don’t see the quantity you need on the shelves never ask if there is any more in the back. Sure their computer system says they have 16 on hand and there are only 2 on the shelves, but since there is absolutely no chance they’d have them in back stock - don’t even ask this very stupid question. It will only produce a lecture on how sometimes the computer system can inaccurately reflect their inventory. And if you do get this lecture be grateful for the education, because retail is such an obscure and hard to get profession there are few people in America who actually understand the basic principal of on-hand inventory.
4. Never, and this is the most important tip, ever go to the HOME it’s 2010 and we’re still sexist DEPOT for an item that will eventually be used for a purpose in which it wasn’t originally intended for. In addition to the training I mentioned in tip #1, their associates also go through extensive anti-MacGyver training. He’s their anti-Christ. Their Sadam. Their Jacob (go Team Edward). If you find yourself with no alternative but to go, at the very least refrain from sharing your true intended purpose for the supply. This share will only generate a “we have nothing like that here” reply. Doesn’t matter how many associated you may ask, their anti-MacGyver training will always kick in.
5. When exiting the HOME mother loving DEPOT and the manager asks if you found everything you needed, simply lie and give a ‘yes’ answer. Answering ‘no’ will only produce another lecture on point #3*. This lecture, however, will be much shorter as their managers don’t receive shock collar training. They will run like the wind to the point furthest from yours.
Conversely, we are adding Ace Hardware to our list of companies that we will one day acquire and then give major raises and Mini Coopers to all of their employees. They truly are the helpful place...
*To my credit, I did refrain from accusing Bob The Builder of internal theft. A variance of 14 pieces might throw up a red flag to me, but apparently this $2.7 billion dollar company just has a really crappy computer system.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Corn Watch: 2010
During the work week I normally do the watering of the garden. It’s a five minute walk from my office (where I either pass the smokers or the runners on my way – neither group makes me feel good). On the weekends, the live in joins.
This should fall under ‘quality time together’, but today’s garden visit falls under straight up babysitting.
Since the live in was the one who physically planted the corn, he has labeled it as “his”. Never mind that in the time it took him to plant the corn, I planted every single other vegetable we’re growing and haven’t once called it “mine”. Regardless, he’s adopted the corn as his own and is extremely proud of how well it’s doing.
He’s also extremely proud of how well his corn is doing versus other gardeners’. A good portion of today’s visit was spent perusing other plots, trash talking their corn, and comparing size. Boys.
When not judging other gardener’s vegetables he’s attempting to steal them. Squash was today’s target. We didn’t plant any squash. But the plot next to ours did. Big mistake on their part.
I held him off for today, as there were several other people visiting their gardens (aka witnesses to his crime), and it didn’t appear that the squash owners had even had a chance to pick any yet. I'm pretty sure they'd notice if their first pick all of a sudden went missing. However, my babysitting like skills will only last for so long, and I guarantee he’ll snag one eventually.
Apparently community garden and communal garden are interchangeable for him.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The Garden
Here are a few pictures from our garden. We’re currently enjoying sugar snap peas, cucumbers, and fresh herbs. (Although we’re both anxiously awaiting the corn’s big reveal the most.)
Friday, July 16, 2010
Pasta
Although I am currently livid with the live in, I will put that aside and give him due props for the recent string of dates he’s organized.
This week we took a cooking class – pasta was the subject. And it was divine. Seriously, so much fun.
This was our first cooking class, however, and prepared we were not. Or…I was not. We arrived at 6:30pm, which is my feeding time, to an empty kitchen. Major red flag. I immediately turned to the live in and said (in a voice that was apparently loud enough for everyone to hear) “well, I certainly don’t see anything to eat!” To which captain obvious replied, “That’s because you have to make it.” And I get that, I really do, but come on how about a few appetizers to start?!
And… maybe they were, maybe they weren’t - but I got the strong impression that everyone else in the class was eyeing my hair. And not in a ‘oh how fabulous and luscious (thanks to the deep conditioner my stylist comped me!) it is’ way but in a ‘oh how out of control and so not tied back it is’ way. I didn’t have a hair tie with me either. Sorry. But it’s not like they had hair nets on either.
All of that aside, it took my fellow classmates about 3 minutes to see past my mangy hair and onto the finer qualities I brought to the table. Like my live in. And my first class ability to dump three ingredients into a food processor and press, “on”.
The group was actually a ton of fun. It was four other couples, and one single dude. I’m sure he read in some Portland Singles magazine that cooking classes would be an excellent place to meet the ladies. That’s too bad for him.
I wish I had pictures for you but I pulled out my camera only to realize the battery was 100% dead. The head instructor did look just like the boy from Ratatouille. And so naturally I told him this…in the middle of him explaining a recipe. Couldn’t tell if he was amused or insulted. But given the spectacle I created once several of the other girls saw the resemblance and immediately started agreeing and pointing and nodding their heads…I would guess insulted. But he did look just like him.
By the end of the evening we had learned to make 4 new pasta dishes, plus pasta from scratch. We are totally in love with fresh pasta now. On the verge of becoming pasta snobs, actually. So obviously we bought a pasta press or cutter, or whatever you call it. Probably just another kitchen gadget that will eventually find a home in our storage unit, but for now we’re looking forward to razzle dazzling our friends with a pasta dinner party or two…
This week we took a cooking class – pasta was the subject. And it was divine. Seriously, so much fun.
This was our first cooking class, however, and prepared we were not. Or…I was not. We arrived at 6:30pm, which is my feeding time, to an empty kitchen. Major red flag. I immediately turned to the live in and said (in a voice that was apparently loud enough for everyone to hear) “well, I certainly don’t see anything to eat!” To which captain obvious replied, “That’s because you have to make it.” And I get that, I really do, but come on how about a few appetizers to start?!
And… maybe they were, maybe they weren’t - but I got the strong impression that everyone else in the class was eyeing my hair. And not in a ‘oh how fabulous and luscious (thanks to the deep conditioner my stylist comped me!) it is’ way but in a ‘oh how out of control and so not tied back it is’ way. I didn’t have a hair tie with me either. Sorry. But it’s not like they had hair nets on either.
All of that aside, it took my fellow classmates about 3 minutes to see past my mangy hair and onto the finer qualities I brought to the table. Like my live in. And my first class ability to dump three ingredients into a food processor and press, “on”.
The group was actually a ton of fun. It was four other couples, and one single dude. I’m sure he read in some Portland Singles magazine that cooking classes would be an excellent place to meet the ladies. That’s too bad for him.
I wish I had pictures for you but I pulled out my camera only to realize the battery was 100% dead. The head instructor did look just like the boy from Ratatouille. And so naturally I told him this…in the middle of him explaining a recipe. Couldn’t tell if he was amused or insulted. But given the spectacle I created once several of the other girls saw the resemblance and immediately started agreeing and pointing and nodding their heads…I would guess insulted. But he did look just like him.
By the end of the evening we had learned to make 4 new pasta dishes, plus pasta from scratch. We are totally in love with fresh pasta now. On the verge of becoming pasta snobs, actually. So obviously we bought a pasta press or cutter, or whatever you call it. Probably just another kitchen gadget that will eventually find a home in our storage unit, but for now we’re looking forward to razzle dazzling our friends with a pasta dinner party or two…
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
My DVR
Tonight’s The Bachelorette…well, it is for me anyways. I have my own special version of DVR right now…it’s called the internet. The live in and I are currently on summer break from cable, which means I have to wait until the next day to watch most TV shows, as that’s when they are available online. And this summer just happens to be when the two best TV shows on earth are airing. Fancy timing for a TV hiatus.
Obviously, we’re talking about "The Bachelorette" and "Chad Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch". All other shows are pretty lame during the summer and skipping them has definitely been worth the dough we’re saving on cable. Luckily, the live in was able to “barrow” a cord from work so that we can hook the computer up to the TV. Nothing better than 42 inches of Chad. And, God bless VH1 (and VH1.com of course). Am I right? Genius. Genius. Genius.
Obviously, we’re talking about "The Bachelorette" and "Chad Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch". All other shows are pretty lame during the summer and skipping them has definitely been worth the dough we’re saving on cable. Luckily, the live in was able to “barrow” a cord from work so that we can hook the computer up to the TV. Nothing better than 42 inches of Chad. And, God bless VH1 (and VH1.com of course). Am I right? Genius. Genius. Genius.
Really, Chad?
Yo. Sorry to pull a hit and run so to speak. Time has once again slipped away from me.
I know I have a few fellow Beta fish owners out there so I wanted to run this little scenario past to you to see if Chad (the fish, not my boy) is acting normal or if we’ve managed to find ourselves caring for a special needs semi-aggressive Beta.
Last night the live in and I were eating dinner at our kitchen island, which is also the island Chad resides on. He had zipped by a few times to say hey! and to beg for dinner (again). Next thing we know he’s convulsing in the corner of the fish bowl, acting like he’s having full on seizures. He never acts like this. He was literally head-butting the side of the bowl so loudly that the sound could be heard from most parts of the loft.
We thought we were seconds away from a belly up type situation.
Of course the live in moved in close, trying to sooth Chad with the silky sound of his voice. But in doing so he realized that there was the teeniest tiniest little bug on the side of the fish bowl. We’re talking smaller than a grain of rice here, friends.
Chad was after the freakin bug. Are you kidding me? Really? REALLY, Chad?
The live in wiped the bug off the bowl and Chad turned the aggression down a couple notches. He’s now back to his regular semi-aggressive state.
But we fed him again after that, obviously. No one likes a skinny fish.
I know I have a few fellow Beta fish owners out there so I wanted to run this little scenario past to you to see if Chad (the fish, not my boy) is acting normal or if we’ve managed to find ourselves caring for a special needs semi-aggressive Beta.
Last night the live in and I were eating dinner at our kitchen island, which is also the island Chad resides on. He had zipped by a few times to say hey! and to beg for dinner (again). Next thing we know he’s convulsing in the corner of the fish bowl, acting like he’s having full on seizures. He never acts like this. He was literally head-butting the side of the bowl so loudly that the sound could be heard from most parts of the loft.
We thought we were seconds away from a belly up type situation.
Of course the live in moved in close, trying to sooth Chad with the silky sound of his voice. But in doing so he realized that there was the teeniest tiniest little bug on the side of the fish bowl. We’re talking smaller than a grain of rice here, friends.
Chad was after the freakin bug. Are you kidding me? Really? REALLY, Chad?
The live in wiped the bug off the bowl and Chad turned the aggression down a couple notches. He’s now back to his regular semi-aggressive state.
But we fed him again after that, obviously. No one likes a skinny fish.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Skype, Chad, and Friends
A major thank you to everyone who welcomed me back via blog comments, emails, and Facebook messages. I have a feeling I have the best friends in the world.
Big plans for the holiday weekend? We are headed to the dirty south for some sun, and some Audrey time. She’s a funny little gal. And although she and I Skype a lot, I’m excited to see her chubby thighs in person. I’ve asked my sister several times if I could babysit via Skype, you know for some quality Audrey / Erica bonding time…she said no. I think I’ll ask in another month or two when she’s really sleep deprived and see if the outcome is different.
While we are gone our semi-aggressive Beta fish, named Chad Ochocinco, will be fending for himself. Honestly, I think this bothers the live in more so than Chad. The live in adores Chad. Last night he and I got home very late in the day (actually, into the next day) and the live in proceeds to feed Chad. But apparently Chad had already peaced out for the day because he was refusing to eat. This deeply concerned the live in, who then proceeds to talk Chad (the fish) into eating his dinner. And although I think its bizarre behavior for a grown man to be coaxing a fish to eat his dinner at 1am, it worked. Obviously they have a connection beyond my comprehension. I hope they both survive the weekend apart.
But really, I hope Chad doesn’t die while we’re gone. It’s always 50/50 with fish…
Big plans for the holiday weekend? We are headed to the dirty south for some sun, and some Audrey time. She’s a funny little gal. And although she and I Skype a lot, I’m excited to see her chubby thighs in person. I’ve asked my sister several times if I could babysit via Skype, you know for some quality Audrey / Erica bonding time…she said no. I think I’ll ask in another month or two when she’s really sleep deprived and see if the outcome is different.
While we are gone our semi-aggressive Beta fish, named Chad Ochocinco, will be fending for himself. Honestly, I think this bothers the live in more so than Chad. The live in adores Chad. Last night he and I got home very late in the day (actually, into the next day) and the live in proceeds to feed Chad. But apparently Chad had already peaced out for the day because he was refusing to eat. This deeply concerned the live in, who then proceeds to talk Chad (the fish) into eating his dinner. And although I think its bizarre behavior for a grown man to be coaxing a fish to eat his dinner at 1am, it worked. Obviously they have a connection beyond my comprehension. I hope they both survive the weekend apart.
But really, I hope Chad doesn’t die while we’re gone. It’s always 50/50 with fish…
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Back
Dear Some of My Favorite People,
You should know…you have a friend in the live in. Lately he’s become concerned about your feelings. He believes that my blogging hiatus could be confusing to some, and that you deserve a little better. Or at the very least you deserve a break up note.
I’m not ready to fully break up with blogging, but I did enjoy our time apart. And just like in any relationship, there are some changes that need to take place as I go forward.
I’ve deleted the tracker I had on the blog. It only made me upset. I’d see that people I know in real life check the blog often, yet in person they can be so distant with me. I never understood. If you care enough about my life to read my personal blog, treat me like a friend. If you don’t care about me, but want to use the blog as a stalking method…well, that’s a little icky. But, at least now I’ll never know.
Also, I have a feeling the blog might turn a little, um…dull, going forward. Prepare yourselves for lots of posts regarding our garden, our summer plans, and our fish. Sounds riveting, I know. But, honestly, looking back some of my favorite posts are those that serve as a little diary to me. Having a place like this to document the meaningless, becomes pretty meaningful actually.
That being said…I’m back. Ready to fill the interweb. But I’ll do that later…lunch is here.
Love,
erica
You should know…you have a friend in the live in. Lately he’s become concerned about your feelings. He believes that my blogging hiatus could be confusing to some, and that you deserve a little better. Or at the very least you deserve a break up note.
I’m not ready to fully break up with blogging, but I did enjoy our time apart. And just like in any relationship, there are some changes that need to take place as I go forward.
I’ve deleted the tracker I had on the blog. It only made me upset. I’d see that people I know in real life check the blog often, yet in person they can be so distant with me. I never understood. If you care enough about my life to read my personal blog, treat me like a friend. If you don’t care about me, but want to use the blog as a stalking method…well, that’s a little icky. But, at least now I’ll never know.
Also, I have a feeling the blog might turn a little, um…dull, going forward. Prepare yourselves for lots of posts regarding our garden, our summer plans, and our fish. Sounds riveting, I know. But, honestly, looking back some of my favorite posts are those that serve as a little diary to me. Having a place like this to document the meaningless, becomes pretty meaningful actually.
That being said…I’m back. Ready to fill the interweb. But I’ll do that later…lunch is here.
Love,
erica
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