Big Box Small Brains

The live in and I started our post-college years in retail, and still today find ourselves working in some form of retail. As we see it this gives us full license to be thoroughly unimpressed by today’s customer service standards. This weekend we added another name to our list of companies that we will one day destroy if either of us were to find ourselves sitting in a seat of global power. HOME we might as well be flicking dog poop at our customers DEPOT.

If you find yourself with no choice but to visit this big box small brains retailer here are my tips for survival:

1. It’s important that you understand the rigorous training these employees have been through. Shock collar treatment. If you are in aisle 4 and need help in aisle 5, they physically cannot cross that invisible line. Don’t even ask.

2. Always carry a tape measure on your waist, especially the ladies. Street cred is very important here. If you roll in without a tape measure you will never been taken seriously, thus you will never be helped.

3. If you need an item, but don’t see the quantity you need on the shelves never ask if there is any more in the back. Sure their computer system says they have 16 on hand and there are only 2 on the shelves, but since there is absolutely no chance they’d have them in back stock - don’t even ask this very stupid question. It will only produce a lecture on how sometimes the computer system can inaccurately reflect their inventory. And if you do get this lecture be grateful for the education, because retail is such an obscure and hard to get profession there are few people in America who actually understand the basic principal of on-hand inventory.

4. Never, and this is the most important tip, ever go to the HOME it’s 2010 and we’re still sexist DEPOT for an item that will eventually be used for a purpose in which it wasn’t originally intended for. In addition to the training I mentioned in tip #1, their associates also go through extensive anti-MacGyver training. He’s their anti-Christ. Their Sadam. Their Jacob (go Team Edward). If you find yourself with no alternative but to go, at the very least refrain from sharing your true intended purpose for the supply. This share will only generate a “we have nothing like that here” reply. Doesn’t matter how many associated you may ask, their anti-MacGyver training will always kick in.

5. When exiting the HOME mother loving DEPOT and the manager asks if you found everything you needed, simply lie and give a ‘yes’ answer. Answering ‘no’ will only produce another lecture on point #3*. This lecture, however, will be much shorter as their managers don’t receive shock collar training. They will run like the wind to the point furthest from yours.

Conversely, we are adding Ace Hardware to our list of companies that we will one day acquire and then give major raises and Mini Coopers to all of their employees. They truly are the helpful place...

*To my credit, I did refrain from accusing Bob The Builder of internal theft. A variance of 14 pieces might throw up a red flag to me, but apparently this $2.7 billion dollar company just has a really crappy computer system.